SUPERMARKET SNARKERY

Warning: the following contains explicit strawman abuse drizzled with copious snark. Reader caution is advised.

It's not much contested that we kiwis are being royally shafted by the supermarkets when it comes to the weekly shop. The Commerce Commission concluded not so long ago that the supermarkets were pulling in excess profit of a million dollars per day. Per. Fucking. Day. And this out of a country of just five million people.

So someone recently posted on Reddit the question of whether NZ should have state owned supermarkets. I don't know either way myself, but of course this triggered some of the more staunch supporters of capitalism, the free market and by extension, the status quo. One fellow in particular replied;

Supermarkets are a low margin business. There is no supermarket fatcat tycoon getting insanely rich off you idiots. If you think there is then I have a bridge to sell you.

Supermarket prices go up because they are passing on the higher cost to them of food, wages, power, water, so on and so forth.

This frankly, ticked me off. A quick look at the fellow's postings and his comments about first class air travel, his BMW and photos of the expensive watch he'd treated himself, indicated he was doing quite well, thank you very much. Good for him. But a lot of kiwis aren't and the cost of food is a major component of their struggle.

So I went super snark mode and replied;

I wholeheartedly agree. These damned peasants always complaining about the price of food and whatnot.

Why, just last year the Commerce Commission reported the supermarkets were making excess profit of one million a day. Well, I was discussing this in the lounge while waiting for my flight back to the States. First class of course, there has to be benefits to being 'wealthy and sorted'. And good on Christopher for coming up with that belter. Lovely fellow, totally misunderstood. Anyway, we all agreed it was absolute nonsense - particularly the Foodstuffs exec who happened to be on my flight. He fair waxed lyrical about the unfairness of it all.

I mean everyone knows the supermarkets are just passing on costs. Oh they may play a little hard ball with their suppliers and prices are higher than the OECD average, but that's just business. I'd even go so far as to say they're struggling. Damned impudence to even complain, really.

Anyway, must fly - the wife's asking what I'd like for dinner; the smoked salmon or venison steaks. Life is full of such difficult decisions it seems. Toodleloo!

To which guy replied;

Please let us all know who the supermarket tycoon ala Nick Mowbray is. Oh you can't? Thought not.

Just because a bunch of Americans in New York are morons doesn't mean New Zealanders need to be. 

I assume the mention of New York is around Zohran Mamdani, the Democratic candidate for mayor of New York City, who has also said similar things about supermarkets and scared the local fat cats. It triggered the fat fuck below enough that he appeared on Fox News, warning of the apocalypse if democracy didn't give him the result he wanted.

Gristedes grocery chain CEO John Catsimatidis. 

Nick Mowbray meanwhile, is an NZ businessman who (along with his brother), made a fortune selling toys in China. Not sure what that has to do with supermarkets ripping us off. Anyway, I replied;

Yes - dashed rum business in New York. Man's practically a foreigner, if not an actual communist. Sort of fellow you'd cross the road to avoid. Hopefully common sense will prevail and he'll be sent packing. Can't allow that sort of thing to spread, you know?

As to your point about that fine fellow Nick Mowbray, I couldn't agree more! It's not like owning a supermarket gets you on the rich list nowadays. Times are tough! You have to have a side gig. I know one chap who owns a PaknSave and a stud farm, and he's still only a millionaire. Practically on the bones of his arse.

But you know the chattering classes. Always complaining about something. Well let them eat cake, I say.

Just between you and me though, having a duopoly really has been key in sorting out NZ as a nice little earner, even if the place is only the size of an Aussie postage stamp. Well done to all involved, lobbyists and politicians alike. Long may it continue! Raise prices even higher if the proles start to squeal. That'll teach the rotters!

Anyway, all this talk of cake has made me peckish and I believe the wife has a nice gateau hidden somewhere. I'm off to sniff out a slice. Toodlepip!

Guy was not impressed and accused me of using AI to whip up my batches of spicy snark. The nerve!

ChatGPT?

Didn't get a look in, old chum. Not an inch of it. This is homegrown snark - country snark, if you will - cultivated in the rich fertilizer of your original comment. Collected fresh, it has been cleaned, lightly sautéed and artfully arranged on a fine china plate, ready to be enjoyed with a sprig of parsley and a tasty glass of Riesling.

But all this talk of manure has reminded me; I'm almost out of truffles! Must fire up the trusty BMW and go restock. 

Toodlepip and tallyho!

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THIS POD LIFE: BOTHIE MADNESS!

A bothie is a shelter in a remote location in Scotland and Northern England that's unlocked and free to use for hikers to take a rest or even stay the night. Typically called tramping huts elsewhere, bothies are often old repurposed workers cottages, usually unfurnished except perhaps for sleeping benches, a fireplace and if you're lucky, a wood stove. If you're extra lucky the toilet's an outside dunny, but more likely behind that tree over there (make sure it's a good distance away though).

As they are open to the public you can never be sure someone else might not turn up if you're staying in one. But as bothies are out in the wilds, far from cities and typically only accessible by foot, odds are it'll not be an escaped prisoner convicted of multiple counts of murder, but another tramper. 

I've not been in one, but I've been watching videos of people staying the night at a bothie, and so I thought I'd try my hand at a bothie design.

Snug as a Bug in a Bothie Mug

Snug as a Bug in a Bothie Tee (Amazon)

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SCHOOL LUNCHES: CHRIS & GORDON, KITCHEN DRAMA!!

 

In which Gordon Ramsey is slightly nonplussed over the quality of school lunches being served to kiwi kids. 

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ECONOMIC BUBBLEGUM: RANT

But chaps, I have cake waiting for me back at the palace!

Remember when it was possible to live and raise a family on one income? It was true for most of the 20th century, and it was recognized as part of a functioning society.

Then we got the 'greed is good' decade and politicians in collusion with the big end of town, bent over backwards to transfer obscene amounts of wealth to the already wealthy. This was in addition to the enormous gains in worker productivity starting in the seventies, that also 'mysteriously' failed to benefit workers and instead saw them working longer hours for less. 

But it's ok though, because the economists, those dismal technocrats, explained that the wealth was going to start 'trickling down'. Remember that shit? And shit it was, because you certainly don't hear that now, now that it's served its purpose. It's also obvious that the uber-wealthy are wearing the financial equivalent of Adult Depends when it comes to trickling down their wealth or even paying their fair share of taxes - another something those esteemed experts in the ways of the economy apparently failed to foresee. Or perhaps they did.

So it's been year after year of austerity for the poor and middle classes, services cut or deliberately underfunded with a view to stealth privatization, and the repeated message that we all need to 'tighten our belts'. Meanwhile the corporates and political elites are celebrating record profits and deploying well-paid mouthpieces in the media to defend and normalize the situation.

To be sure recent crises have had their impact of course, but like receding waters they have served to expose economic and political underpinnings perhaps hard to discern previously. And these foundations look rotten and in need of replacement.

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ANOTHER KIWI WORLD FIRST

Reuters - In a world first, New Zealand supermarkets are allowing shoppers to offset their grocery costs by giving blood at the checkout. In conjunction with the NZ Blood Service, shoppers can now pay for groceries via checkout machines that accept not only cash and eftpos transactions, but can extract up to a litre of blood as well.

Foodstuffs NZ spokesperson, Ralph Bleedemdry said that the new service was both fast and safe; 'all our blood enabled checkout operators have received the relevant medical training. Shoppers are quite safe and many say they don't even feel it'. In response to reports of shoppers appearing pale and shaking after payment, Bleedemdry pointed out that this was quite normal even before the new service had been rolled out.

Supermarkets to offer a new payment option at the checkout

Asked if this might lead to two tiers of shoppers with the prospect of greater price rises for non-blood donating shoppers, Bleedemdry rejected the premise saying that the extraction of blood was purely discretionary. 'We don't want to force anyone to give blood - that would be inhumane. But we will be offering higher discounts to loyal long-term donators with the prospect of becoming a VIB'.

In addition to blood, Woolworths NZ are reportedly considering the donation of small samples of flesh at the checkout, for use in scientific research. Quantities up to 0.45kg, or one pound in weight, would be accepted. Spokesperson Margery Blodfromstone refused to comment however, shouting 'they know!', before slamming the phone down on our reporter. 

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