SPACE: THE SURPRISING FUTURE OF SPACE TRAVEL

The Artemis program is an ongoing crewed spaceflight program carried out predominantly by NASA. Here's how well that'll turn out:

Firstly, NASA will cancel the Artemis program because that's what Congress does when it comes to manned spaceflight. Sorry, but you don't have to be a NASA engineer to know that's the case.

Elon Musk will suffer a breakdown exacerbated by un-diagnosed bipolar disorder and a burst blood vessel in his right eye. The first sign that something is wrong is when he begins wearing an eye patch and insisting that each rocket launch be paused at the one minute mark so he can urinate on the rocket as 'a golden offering to the gods of rocketry'. Musk will be forced to step down from managing Starship construction in order to 'spend more time with his family'. He and Grimes get divorced three months later when she finally realizes how insufferable he is.

Musk then becomes obsessed with Marvel's Dr Strange, grows a beard and disappears into an Indian Monastery. He does not gain magical powers but is instead murdered in a New Delhi back-alley for his Rolex.

Conspiracy theorists have a field day. Progress on Starship falters. After several spectacular test failures (including one that sinks a yacht), and Blue Origin's greater visibility in the market, SpaceX management cancels the program. SpaceX focuses instead on the tried and trusted Falcon line of rockets as their core business and thus begin their slide into mediocrity. They are eventually bought out by Boeing and Boca Chica is quietly mothballed.

Bezos drops his trousers in a Tweet and proudly displays his testicles.

Conspiracy theorists hold a three day wine and cheese festival.

The US Space Force becomes the biggest customer for private enterprise launch systems. Space Force begins to ring the planet with spy satellites. An outcry is raised when it's revealed that the satellites also carry weapons and that are capable of hitting ground targets anywhere around the globe. The President (Donald Trump Jr), then gives a speech in which he admits it was a mistake not to inform the public, but emphasizes the importance of holding the 'high ground' in order to keep America safe and that the rest of the world can 'suck it' (actual words). The American electorate cheers and goes back to sleep while the rest of the world continues to be extremely pissed off at American weapons crisscrossing their night skies.

Conspiracy theorists hold their own week long bread and circuses event complete with gladiatorial games. The planet is soon ringed by Russian, US, Indian and Chinese satellites all sporting weaponry. Satellites start mysteriously but absolutely accidentally coming apart in orbit. The resultant orbiting debris fields make launches even more hazardous. There is a moon-base, but the small Chinese structure loses pressure after three days, suffocating its inhabitants. The Chinese keep mum about it for six months.

Conspiracy theorists invade a small country and set up their own government. A diplomatic mission from a nearby alien civilization on seeing the state of affairs on earth, decide to turn around and delay contact for another thousand years.

Conspiracy theorists remain unaware of this. On the 65th anniversary of man walking on the moon, NASA announces plans to tender for a new launch system capable of reaching the Moon. Boeing's tender - which will cost billions - is a front-runner. A new Greek god's name is chosen for the project, many hopeful YouTube videos are made and the cycle starts again.

Conspiracy theorists suspect there's more to the story than they're being told.

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THIS POD LIFE: TEAM CHEESECAKE AND THE CASE OF THE PRINTED FACE MASKS.

As my dear old Dad used to say while drowning kittens in a bag in the local stream (his favorite activity on lazy Sunday afternoons), 'Son!' he used to say; 'Son! Never let a global pandemic go to waste."

So, not being one to ignore such deep wisdom (and hearing rumors of a pandemic happening right now - news travels slow here in deepest Transylvania), I've cast about for some method in which to take advantage of this global outbreak of woe and misery.

And I've come up with the brilliant idea of...face masks!

Yes, face masks. Get them now, get them in all sorts of colors. Redbubble is selling them. You want a mask with 'Team Cheesecake' written on it? (Yes, somebody actually bought that - I have no idea why) I can provide.

Just click the link below to be amazed and dazzled by the wide range of printed bits of cloth you can now affix to your face and not be judged a complete loon.

Madjack's Very Sensible Face Mask Selection

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STAR WARS: THE NEW OLD ONES

Ok, so because I don't want to write about the coronavirus thing, I thought I'd do a quick precis of the Disney Star Wars films because they're so last year and so why not? Anyway, here's my HOT TAKE, fresh out of the oven;

The Force Awakens: in which Abrams mystery hot-boxes Star Wars and resets everything back to ANH. Unfortunately this renders the original movies and characters pointless and sad. JJ refuses to explain anything.JJ throws +40 years pop culture icon Han Solo down a hole, is forgotten about ten minutes later. And Disney wonders why people aren't as interested in the franchise as they'd hoped. Bonus: Millennium Falcon becomes available on Uber for Rey and her friends..

The Last Jedi: in which director Rian Johnson murders everyone because it defies expectations - and then laughs about it.
Murders beloved character General Ackbar off-screen. Murders Luke Skywalker. Tries to murder Leia, but loses his bottle and fakes out the audience instead. Ha, ha.
Resistance is so murdered, they're down to ~25 members by end of film. Throws next film's director under a bus in apparent murder attempt.
Bonus: Rian's first commercial hit (Looper), was about subverting audience expectations and murder and after TLJ, his next film was also about subverting audience expectations and murder because who'd have guessed? Not Disney apparently when they hired him.

Rise Of Skywalker: in which Abrams says 'fuck it', ignores Rian's murder spree and throws a metric shit ton of bullshit - including the long dead Palpatine (spoiler) - at the screen in the hopes of obscuring said screen. Is not very successful.

Main character Rey takes everything from Luke Skywalker, including his call-sign and as a final 'fuck-you Luke', even his name and property in the final scene.
Bonus: after finally exhausting his Star Wars nostalgia supply, Abrams retires to hibernate in a burrow made from a mountain of Disney cash, varnished to a high sheen by salty fanboi tears.
World sighs in relief the films are finally over - looks forwards to season 2 of the Mandalorian (Oct 30th, 2020 btw).

<admission: I haven't seen RoS and have no interest in doing so. JJ Abram's movies are like Youtube action highlight videos with a little bit of connective story thrown in. So that's how I've checked out his latest floater; exclusively on YouTube. I don't need to submit myself to the whole 2 hour 22 minutes ordeal - I've got better things to do.)

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COVID-19: THIS IS GETTING A BIT WORRYING

(Note: this gif is of a neuron - not a coronavirus - but it looks cool so whatever)

Ok, so this is getting a little worrying.

The World Health Organisation has declared it a pandemic, countries are locking down cities - or at least cancelling large portions of their usual activities - people are staying home and the more unfortunate, are losing their jobs as businesses lay off staff.  

The quote; 'flatten the curve' is gaining traction. This refers to stalling the spread of the disease so that already stretched health services may not be overwhelmed and people die due to lack of medical support. 

Meanwhile the city I live in is continuing with life unaffected.
It's a little odd. However there's only been reported 2 cases in the region and so people aren't panicking and there's still toilet paper on the shelves.

Perhaps the reason for this is New Zealand is of course, naturally isolated by distance, but it's also setting itself up to become a bit of a quiet cul-de-sac internationally.

The government has ordered that any travellers to NZ must self isolate for two weeks on arrival. To this end, if travellers arrive without clear self-isolation plans, they may be sent back. Indeed there has been a report of at least one probable deportation so far. Health authorities apparently made a follow up visit to an overseas visitor staying at a local backpackers and police arrived soon after. A rather distraught female backpacker was taken into custody.

I feel for the woman in question and this is harsh, but I suspect this is a measure supported by most New Zealanders.

We want tourists to come, we want backpackers to come, but really when this all blows over. At present if you come here, you should expect to spend two weeks in a motel room before you'll be let out into the country you've traveled so far to see. And to be honest, you may find some NZ'ers won't be as friendly in your travels as they normally would be - particularly if they suspect you're trying to dodge regulations. 

Best to postpone your trip. Or if you are determined to come here, be aware of the regulations and be prepared to comply.

<edit> And not long after writing the above, New Zealand has closed its borders to everyone but citizens and residents in an attempt to stop the spread of coronavirus.
  

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THIS POD LIFE: ZAZZLE, A HALL OF MIRRORS FROM ~2003

This picture is a representation of what it's like to work with Zazzle's website.

For those on the PoD trail, that is, print-on-demand as a passive income stream, many will stand before the entrance to the Kingdom Of Zazzle and wonder 'should I enter'? Is it safe?

Well, here's my experience.

To clarify, Zazzle is a PoD website where designers both professional and amateur alike, can upload artwork. If a customer then browsing the website likes your artwork enough, they can have it printed on all sorts of products such as tshirts, jandals, even shower curtains, bathmats or frisbees. As the designer you then receive a commission while the company owning the website handles everything else - printing, postage and collecting of monies. This business model describes PoD in general. 

Sounds great, but in many ways, to enter Zazzle is to enter a hall of mirrors.

The first thing to know is that Zazzle's interface - particularly compared to the majority of competing pod sites - is a mess - if not an archaic mess. Even before you've logged in, information overload is likely. Options are everywhere, it's not clear where to click and what to click and what mode you're in - public preview or 'store management'.

In time you'll come to know the intricacies, but it's very confusing at first. Likewise, before you have that experience under your belt, you'll find yourself creating multiple copies of designs on products because for the most part, to edit a product is not to update it, but to create another iteration of that product. And so just like seeing your reflection multiply in mirrors, you'll find yourself creating multiple copies of a product without even realizing it's happening.

It also doesn't help that there's a lag between updating details and seeing that reflected in your product listings, which again, can lead to mistakenly creating multiple copies of a product.  

But leaving all that aside, Zazzle is a bit of a trap for unwary designers in other ways. 

Because in a way Zazzle seems larger than it really is.

It has the greatest range of products of all the pod sites. The range of products is dizzying - it comes across as an alternate Amazon. You won't know what products to drop your designs onto, to begin with and so may spread them across as wide a range as you can (I know I did - I spent an entire afternoon putting a couple of designs on dozens of phone cases before twigging that it wasn't necessary. Duh.)

But be aware;

Traffic is half of Redbubble's.

It's very US oriented.

More importantly, the users who make money on zazzle are;

Those who've been on it for years.

Have shops that are extremely well organised and niche targeted.

But the magic key to Zazzle success and escaping the maze? 

Customizable stationery - in particular, birthday cards, business cards and wedding stationery. This is Zazzle's claim to fame - that customer's can add their own names to designs - or their grandparents or childrens names or the name of their business. That's Zazzle's market strength.

New designers may not recognize this and instead wander the halls, dazzled by the array of options, posting designs until the cows come home, but for the most part, gaining rewards that will likely always be mediocre. 

This is what has happened to me. But now that I have a clue, I'll be changing tack and focusing on customizable stationery - weddings, birthdays, that sort of thing.

Wish me luck.

MADJACK TEES on Zazzle

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